One evening we had a visitor that decided to make a home under our porch. Our dog Rufus had run to the front door barking on at least three separate occasions. Each time she had done this, Gramp or I would open the door and peer out into the darkness looking for what was causing her to alert.

Grandma commented that there was this particular odor coming from the front porch that she was unable to identify.  Upon hearing this there was only one thing to do, and that was to investigate. With my vast wilderness knowledge and tracking abilities I set out to find the source of this strange smell seeping in through the cracks of the front door.

There I was standing on the front porch with Rufus, knowing it must be bad because Rufus had decided to stand behind me. Grandma was right about the smell, and in short order I was able to identify it as a skunk. The porch had been skirted on all sides except one, giving critters the ability to get in out of the weather.

Confident that this was truly a skunk the next normal step was to leave this critter alone and allow it to leave on its own accord. I went back into the house with Rufus to explain my findings to my grandparents. Grandma starting screeching that under no such circumstances was this or any skunk be allowed to take up residence under the porch.

Gramp tried to explain to her that if we left it alone, the skunk would eventually move on in search of food and another place to call home. Grandma would hear none of this; we were given marching orders to rid the property of this nuisance animal. Actually to this point the skunk had done nothing wrong and it was my feeling that it had found refuge under the porch from the other neighborhood dogs.

Gramp was a man of six foot four; he also had a bad eye and a limp that were from a car accident years earlier. He had gone to the wall closet and fetched two flashlights and jacket, and you could tell he was not happy with having to put down his crossword puzzle and do what he felt was a tad bit crazy.

There was just enough room for Gramp and I to peer into the darkness underneath the porch. Rufus had decided to stay at a safe distance away in order to run for help if needed. He kept pulling on my pant leg as a way to warn me of impending danger that lie ahead.

Gramp prior to going outside had decided to make tuna fish sandwiches to take to work the next day. Grandma had commented that skunks were very much cat like and she felt that Gramp could draw the skunk out using the remaining tuna fish. Gramp placed the bowl just inside the opening of the porch and with that the wait was on.

Out of nowhere the skunk appeared to investigate the smell coming from the bowl of tuna fish. Gramp told Rufus and I to be very still in order not to spook the skunk. He whispered that he had read somewhere that if you grab a skunk by the tail and get his hind legs off the ground; it will make the skunk unable to spray.

Last thing I remember was the skunk being so close to my face that I was able to look into his eyes. The look was of fear but the fear was not in his eyes as he was hurdled away but in mine. Gramp grabbing the skunk by the tail and proceeded to run with a limp across the yard in the general directions of the neighbor’s yard with the skunk spraying all the way.

Rufus was last seen trying to cover his eyes and nose with his front paws in order to somehow save himself. The smell  of the skunk was so strong it took my breath away and left my eyes burning.

With all the commotions coming from the front yard, lights started coming on in the neighbors’ houses. Gram stepped onto the front porch to see what was going on and that gave Rufus his chance to escape into the far reaches of the house. I stepped onto the porch and was also looking to get into the house when grandma grabbed me by the back of my shirt.

She informed us that we were not allowed into the house until we were able to rid ourselves of skunk essence. With that she returned with Rufus and a box full of tomato juice to wash ourselves with. So there was Gramp and I stripped down to our underwear standing on the front porch with the front lights on washing ourselves with the tomato juice. What the neighbors’ must have thought of such a sight. Weeks later you could still smell skunk on the porch.

Moral of the story is that if you encounter a skunk; do not attempt to grab it by the tail in hopes of keeping it from spraying.